


Coming Up For Air

by coralaccidental



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: But Really Quite Minor, Confused Eggsy, Dom Harry, Dom Merlin, Dom/sub, Emotions, Fix-It, Harry Hart Lives, Hurt Eggsy, I promise, M/M, Slight Mental Health Issues, Sub Eggsy, Subdrop, This is Bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 20:03:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4193121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coralaccidental/pseuds/coralaccidental
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After saving the entire world (without any credit, he'll have you know), Eggsy Unwin, Kingsman's only submissive agent, has dropped, and hard.</p><p>While the world is rebuilding, Eggsy struggles to come to terms with his mentors death, but Harry himself may not be as dead as his protege believes. The two agents must come to terms with their feelings for one another, and work out where their relationship stands, before they loose the chance to try again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Submerged

Harry was dead. V-day was over and the world was safe and Harry was dead. Eggsy blinked. Harry was dead. Harry Hart was dead, gone, deceased. No matter what he did, how he distracted himself, he couldn’t get Harry’s death out of his head. It kept coming back to him; how he could do nothing but watch as his mentor was killed; how Harry Hart was dead and Eggsy was still here.

And that, that, was so fucking unfair. Harry, a perfect gentleman Dom, was dead, while he was still here, wasting away in Kingsman's medical facility. There were some fucked up cosmic forces at work here if Harry Hart dead and himself alive made any sense.

Why was he still here if Harry was not? Eggsy just could not understand. And that, according to every therapist Kingsman had brought in for him. was why he couldn't shake this fucking drop.

It'd been a week since he'd saved the whole world, thank you very much, and he was still just sitting here in a bed. It wasn’t a bad drop; he wasn’t so far under that he couldn’t remember his name, couldn’t get off of his knees. He just couldn’t leave this stupid infirmary room.

It was ridiculous that he even dropped, in his opinion. He hadn’t had a Dom, a real Dom, since his dad died, and he hadn’t dropped unwillingly even once. Dean and his goonies had tried to force him under countless times, but he always refused to bare his neck to any of them. He had saved the world, for christ’s sake! And somehow, he dropped shortly after getting on the jet back to London with Merlin.

The doctors told him it was because he came of the adrenaline high he had been riding, finally processing the events of the past few days: his rejection from the Kingsman, Harry’s death, the countless losses during V-day. It was too much, they said, for a submissive to handle. Well, fuck them; he maintains that it was ridiculous he dropped. 

Just as ridiculous as Harry Hart’s death.

There was no crazy action sequence leading up to the agent’s explosive demise. No, Harry had been shot point blank in the head. It felt so fundamentally wrong to Eggsy. He had walked out of that church, despite the countless civilians coming after him with axes and guns, only to be shot in the head. One of Kingsman’s finest, felled by Valentine, possibly the world’s most gutless villain.It was ridiculous.

Just as ridiculous as Harry Hart dying, while he survived.

Course, he didn’t know what surviving was worth if he was never going to leave this infirmary room; if he was never going to become a kingsman agent; if he was never going to go on a world- saving mission again. Even if he did get out, how was he supposed to provide for his mum and for Daisy on the streets? At least, stuck between these four white walls, he could be sure that Merlin was having his family cared for. Maybe he was better off in here.

Merlin came down to see him at least once a day, assessing him, trying to force him to understand that he couldn't be cleared for field work. All because of his fucking drop. Suddenly, he was a risk to himself and to civilians: too tired and too susceptible to orders for him to take any missions.

And he said the same things over and over again. Always wanting to talk to him about Harry. Well, he didn't want to about about Harry. 

"'Harry's dead, Eggsy.' As if I didn't fucking known it?" He muttered to himself, picking at the blanket on his bed angrily. 

"It's not knowing that's the problem, Eggsy." Merlin said, standing in the doorway to his room. 

"Holy shit, bruv." Eggsy said, jumping further back on the bed. "Warn a guy, will ya?" 

Merlin sighed, "Eggsy, you can't avoid the topic for ever; you've been under for a week now."

His face was impassive as ever, but Eggsy knew. Eggsy knew he pitied him. He thought- Well, they all thought that Harry was his Dom. Merlin, his therapists, Roxy, and even the nurses all thought that he and Harry were like that; they thought he was grieving the loss of his Dom. Well, he had news for them: Eggsy Unwin hadn’t ever, not ever, had a Dom.

"M'not avoiding nothin'. Just nothin' to be done, 'sall." He said, holding his chin up in defiance. No matter what anyone said, he did not need a Dom to help him deal with Harry’s death. He could handle himself just fine, had been for years now.

"Eggsy..." Merlin said sternly, meaningfully, and sighed when Eggys posture sagged, his shoulders curling inward to protect himself. "I won't Dom you without your permission Eggsy, but you need someone to help you shake this drop." 

"I-I... Fuck!" Eggsy exclaimed, pulling his knees up to his chest as his his eyes got shiny with tears. He began to breath deeply, willing himself to stop crying. There were just too many emotions storming inside of his head when he got under, all fighting to get out and make him explode.

"Oh, Eggsy..." Merlin sighed. Walking over to the boy, he placed his hand on the back of the subs neck, rubbing over the soft skin with his callused thumb. Eggsy immediately went rigid, flashing back to all the times Dean had grabbed him the same way, trying to force him down. But Merlin did not remove his hand, continuing to stroke the soft skin as Eggsy breathed deeply, trying to shake his panic. Then he relaxed, suddenly and all at once, the tension bleeding out of him, as he wiped his eyes. 

“There you go. Just relax. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.” Merlin said. “I’m not trying to force you further under. I just want you to know it’s fine; You’re fine, the world is safe. Everything is fine.”

“But Harry is dead.” Eggsy whined, as he harshly wiped the tears from his cheeks, sniffling back congestion. Merlin quickly shoved a handkerchief into his hands, before the boy could use his sleeve as a tissue.

“There was nothing for you to do. No one is responsible for Galahad’s death except Valentine himself, yeah?” 

"I shoulda' saved 'im, Merlin. I saved the 'ole Goddamned world an' I didn't save him." He said, staring morosely down at his sock-clad feet, tossing the white handkerchief down to the foot of the bed.

Merlin sighed again; This boy was going to send his blood pressure through the roof. He gently removed his hand from the sub's neck, using it to rearrange his glasses. 

"There was nothing you could have done, lad." He repeated, gently. "You were all the way across the ocean." 

"But I should 'ave- I mean, it shouldn't 've been 'Arry, y'know?" He said, pulling at the edge of the hospital issue pajama pants and distressing the edges. They were fraying quite a bit, probably because of the anxiety caused by his mentor's absence.

"No, Eggsy." Merlin said. "You know, and I know, there was no way to save Galahad."

Eggsy just whined, unwilling or unable to believe his handler's words. Ever since his mentor's death, his chest had felt tight, unfathomable guilt pulling him further into his drop. There must have been something he did wrong, if he got to be here and Harry had to die. Harry was worth so much more than him. 

"Eggsy," Merlin paused, "How often did Harry Dom you? I don't mean to pry, but I need to know if I'm ever going to get you out of this headspace. How often?"

Eggsy just whined again, baring his neck to Merlin, hoping the agent would help him for just a minute: help him to forget.

"How often?" Merlin asked again, his tone harder this time: demanding an answer. He wasn't going to give up on this one. 

"He- 'Arry never, okay?" Eggsy said. "He didn't never Dom me. We wasn't like that, got it?" 

Merlin sighed, yet again. Eggsy would certainly force out a few more Grays on his head, if he had hair. "Come now, lad, you and I both know you wouldn't be dropping so hard unless you had a Dom ... Err ... leave you, for lack of a better term."

"No it 'snot-" Eggsy stopped, shaking his head. He paused and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes, before starting again. "It's just my messed up biology. Went too long without a real Dom, so I get attached too quick. 'Arry an' I, we wasn't like that."

"Eggsy!" Merlin said harshly, letting his hand drift back to the boy's neck. "You are not 'messed up.' It's completely normal to drop after the authority Dom in your life disappears. Even if Galahad never truly put you under, he was still your Dom. You accepted him as yours."

Eggsy huffed, shaking his head at the agent's words. "Normal?" He snorted. "'Snot normal, bruv."

"It is completely normal, my boy. I hope you'll be able to see that soon." Merlin said, leaning down to look Eggsy in the eyes. The younger sub avoided his gaze, but he could tell Eggsy was struggling to deal with his grief, his situation only worsened by his drop. 

Merlin gently squeezed the back of his neck, giving in to his need to help the boy: "Eggsy, will you let me help you?" 

“I don’t need no Dom, Merlin.” He ground out, refusing to let himself take any comfort from the handler’s touch on his neck. Merlin only squeezed the back of his neck, showing Eggsy just how easily he could make him submit.

The sub immediately tensed, his body rejecting the idea of a foreign Dom, a Dom who was not Harry, a Dom he didn’t want, controlling him while he was under. But this was Merlin, his handler. He struggled, panicked eyes briefly meeting Merlin's calm gaze. 

“Just because you don’t want a Dom, Eggsy, doesn’t mean you don’t need one, sometimes.”

The younger man’s entire body sagged, melting into Merlin’s side. He couldn’t fight his body any longer, giving into the urge to take comfort from the agent. Merlin was practically family to him, despite how hard the older man tried to maintain a professional distance. He breathed deeply a few times, inhaling the Dom’s scent, slowly relaxing his body enough to let Merlin have him.

“Please, Eggsy. let me help you.”

"Maybe- maybe jus' to sleep, yeah?" He said, ducking his head shyly. Merlin practically collapsed in relief. The sub was radiating exhaustion, but Merlin knew he hadn’t slept properly for days.

"Poor thing, you haven't been sleeping well, have you?" He said, as he moved to the closet at the far corner of the infirmary room. Eggsy nodded, keeping his position on the bed. 

"Why don't you lie down for me? Just like that, right on your back, that's it. Good boy." Merlin said, as he grabbed a blackout kit from the cabinet. When he looked back again, Eggsy was lying stiff as a board, eyes staring straight up at the plain white ceiling. He knew the younger agent was struggling to accept his authority, but still trying hard to relax on top of the soft infirmary mattress.

He walked over to Eggsy, gently closing the subs eyes with his fingers, caressing his rough cheek. Eggsy looked so tired, the bags under his eyes so purple they looked like bruises. He tutted, shushing Eggsy when the sub whined. 

"No, sweet boy, you're fine." Merlin said, quickly putting the soft blindfold over the boys eyes. "I just wish you hadn't waited so long to let me help you."

" 'm sorry. Didn't mean to." Eggsy whined, reaching blindly for Merlin's hand. He clung to the man's free hand, using it to anchor him in the darkness. "I just couldn't sleep." 

"It's alright, Eggsy. You're fine." Merlin said, before reaching for the headset from the kit, and launching into an explanation. "I'm gonna put these headphones on you now. They're going to stop all sound. Then I'm going to use this gag I've got here on you. And you're going to try your hardest to get to sleep, got it?"

Eggsy only nodded, familiar with blackout practices. 

"Now," Merlin continued, "If you need to stop, if it gets to be too much and you need me to take off the restraints, you're going to squeeze my hand twice. But do not, absolutely do not, attempt to free yourself alone, unless there’s an emergency and you feel my hand leave yours. Just squeeze twice, and I will have you free in a second. Understood?"

When Eggsy only nodded again, his head already starting to loll to the side, Merlin said more harshly, "Eggsy! Show me you understand. Squeeze my hand, now." When the sub snapped to attention, and squeezed, Merlin smiled. 

"Okay. I'm going to be with you the entire time. Remember, you need anything, you squeeze my hand." Merlin said seriously as he fastened on the ball gag, pulling it just tight enough that Eggsy would feel the pressure on his tongue. Next, he pulled the headset over Eggsy's ears, securing it with a strap under his chin. Then he settled into the chair next to the bed with Eggsy's hand heavy in his. 

“Oh, Eggsy,” He muttered, “ If only you knew.”

***

Three hours later, when Merlin was just beginning to consider taking a nap himself, someone or something began to jiggle the handle to the room. Careful not to remove his hand from Eggsy’s, the agent reached for his gun, shifting so that he was facing the door. No one, besides himself, Lancelot, and the medical staff were allowed to enter Eggsy’s room. 

Placing his gun in his lap, where he could grab it in under a second, Merlin went for his phone, speed dialling Lancelot. As he was bringing the phone to his ear, the handle stopped moving. He took note, but did not relax, aware that whoever it was would likely try breaking in one way or another.

Lancelot answered after two rings, immediately launching into a confusing series of sentences and phrases: “Merlin, thank God! Where are you? Things are crazy up here; we’ve lost him- don’t know how he got out, but he’s not shown up anywhere on our feed. You’ve got to get up here and help us. He just vanished.”

“Lancelot!” He barked, unable to make sense of her words. “ What on earth are you talking about? Who has gotten out? We don’t-” He stopped suddenly, as whoever was in the hallway slammed against the door, making the room shake. Eggsy, even, began to shift in his sleep as his bed vibrated slightly. Moving the phone so that his shoulder pinned it to his head, he quickly grasped the gun, cocking it at the door.

“It’s…” She sounded timid, suddenly, rather than panicked, “ It’s Harry; he’s gotten out of his room and we can’t find him anywhere.”

Suddenly, everything shifted into place for Merlin. “Goddammit!” He shouted, uncocking his weapon and dropping it to the side so that he could begin to remove the black out equipment from Eggsy.

“Merlin?” Roxy asked, sounding rather concerned that the normally level headed handler was losing his cool. 

“I knew keeping them on the same floor was a mistake. Of course, Harry’s gone off his head to find his sub. He’s down here, Lancelot, trying to break down the door, probably only hurting himself worse in the process.” He ranted, gently pulling the headphones off of the sub lying in front of him.

“I don’t-” She paused, “I don’t understand, sir.”

“He’s outside of Eggsy’s room. Get down here, now, and restrain him. Eggsy’s so far under right now, finding out this way won’t help him at all.” He said, as he pulled the gag off the sleeping agent, and Harry slammed himself against the door once more.

“Of course, right away, sir.”

Merlin let the phone drop to the floor, as he moved to stand over Eggsy. He didn’t want to remove the blindfold too soon and introduce the boy back into the world too harshly- hell, he didn’t want to wake him up at all, but he knew there were no other options. If Harry was awake and strong enough to escape his room; if he remembered the events that led up to his death; if he somehow found out about the events of V-day, then he would stop at nothing to find Merlin and Eggsy so that he could regain his sense of self and possibly serve Merlin a finely plated knuckle-sandwich. 

Gently, Merlin took his free hand and rubbed Eggsy’s cheek, whispering in his ear, telling him that it was time to wake up. Even though it had only been three hours, and he had clearly been exhausted before Merlin had sent him to sleep, Eggsy began to stir immediately, using his own free hand to wipe at the drool that had dried on his face.

“Mmm… Merlin?” He asked, voice still thick with sleep.

“There’s a good boy. You were so good, Eggsy, you slept for me for so long.” Merlin whispered tenderly, smiling when Eggsy preened at his praise. “You were so amazing for me Eggsy; I’m proud. But now I need you to wake up for me-Can you do that?”

Eggsy smiled lazily, as he said, “‘Course, Guv’, I’ll be getting right up,” even though he was clearly still half asleep. However, that didn’t last long as Harry slammed into the door once more, this time with a shout. Eggsy startled out of his relaxed state, panicking and squeezing Merlin’s hand in rapid succession, as he sat up ramrod straight on the bed.

He only panicked more as a commotion arose outside the room, clearly the sound of fighting. “Take it off. Take it off.” He pleaded, unable to stand feeling so vulnerable when he sensed danger merely feet away.

“Shh...Shh....” Merlin shushed him as he quickly untied the black silk from around Eggsy’s eyes. “See, all gone. It’s alright, boy. Nothing to worry about; Roxy has the situation outside totally under control.”

Even with Merlin’s words and the fighting outside quieting Eggsy’s gaze still darted around the room, wide and panicked. He was incredibly tensed all over again, and Merlin could curse Harry Hart for putting the boy in this state once again. 

“Listen to me, lad,” Merlin began, “You’re safe in here with me, and Roxy has everything outside all taken care of. So just relax; everything is fine.”

As he calmed down, Eggsy realized how truly awful it was for him to go right back to distrusting the Dom in front of him after he had just given him permission to Dom him. He had let him and quickly shut him back out. 

“ ‘M sorry, Merlin. I didn’t mean not to trust you like that.” He whimpered. “ ‘M sorry. Please forgive me.”

“It’s perfectly alright, Eggsy. You were such a good boy for me today, and you were perfectly reasonable to get upset when you heard the fighting outside. You’ve had a tough week, but you’ve been so good, yeah?” Merlin said, leaning his forehead against the young sub’s.

“Yeah.” Eggsy said, so hesitantly that Merlin’s heart broke a little for him.

“Here, I’m sure you’re thirsty after such a nice nap.” He said, grabbing a bottle of water from the bedside table, and opening it for the younger man. He then laughed as Eggsy slopped sloppily from the bottle pressed to his lips. “I should have grabbed you a straw, hmm?”

Eggsy smiled along, before becoming serious. He looked Merlin directly in the eyes, grabbing the older man’s hand again. “Thanks, y’know, for doing this for me.”

“It was my pleasure, Eggsy. Anytime you need me, just ask.” Merlin said, before moving moving away from the boy, breaking their connection. 

“Are you just gonna’ leave, then?” Eggsy asked, looking impassively at the older man. Merlin knew, though, that the sub was feeling particularly vulnerable after their session today.

“ I was going to get you some food, actually. You must be starving; You’ve been sending back your food for days.” Merlin said, slightly scolding, before he softened, “Will you be okay if I leave for a few?”

“Of course, Guv’. I’ll be jus’ fine.” Eggsy said, a strained smile taking over his face.

“Eggsy, be honest with me.” Merlin said, barely resisting the urge to put dominant force behind his words. Eggsy had given him permission to Dom him for their brief session only. He wouldn’t betray his trust by continuing to act as the boys Dom when he so clearly wanted another. Especially considering that Harry was still alive, and would be ready to fill that position himself one day, Merlin hoped.

“Honestly, Merlin, I’ll be fine.” He said, the smile on his face becoming slightly more genuine.

“If you’re sure.” Merlin looked the boy over one last time, before heading out to grab him some food, stopping by the door for a moment to say, “And when I’m back, I’ve got some news for you, alright.”

Eggsy only nodded, looking back down at the bed. He didn’t want to let himself fall back into his self-deprecating thoughts, knowing that Merlin would be back in a minute or so, but they pushed on his mind like ocean waves crashing against a levee. He looked all around the room, hoping to find something on the unchanging white walls to distract himself for just a minute.

Thankfully, Merlin was back in just under two minutes, recapturing Eggsy’s attention with the delicious smelling burger and fries on the plate in his hands. 

“Bruv’, you are a godsend.” Eggsy said, eagerly scooching to the edge of the bed to grab for the food. “Where’d you even find fast food in this place? You gotta’ tell me.”

“I called in a favor and had someone bring it here.” Merlin smirked. “But that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting this all the time, lad. You’re going to start eating the food the nurses bring to you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Eggsy waved his hand dismissively, as he reached for the plate with both hands and eagerly dug into the burger. “What’d ya have to tell me, anyway?”

“After you finish eating.” Merlin said, settling into the chair next to the bed once again.The he added, “And don’t speak with your mouth full.”

Eggsy pouted, but dutifully ate his burger, relishing the every greasy bite he took. He really, really needed to find out where Merlin got this stuff; It was the best burger and fries he’d had in ages, since the local joint near his old place got shut down for not paying taxes or something. The food disappeared off his plate at a record pace, as he shoved fries down his mouth in what had to be the most ungentlemanly display. He could feel Merlin’s grimace trained on him, but he didn’t care. This food was delicious.

When he was done, he moved the empty plate to the bedside table, and leaned back against the pillow. “So, what was you gonna’ tell me?”

Merlin sighed, leaning forward to touch his forehead with the knuckles of his hands, clasped together like he was playing. He breathed out deeply, before looking up and beginning to speak. “Eggsy, I need you to remain calm while I tell you this.” He paused, waiting for Eggsy to nod slowly before continuing, “Four days ago, we received a coded message from a disposable cell phone in Kentucky. It took our analysts a full day to decode it, but when we did, we were certainly surprised at its contents. 

“We immediately sent a Percival and Lancelot over to perform a recovery mission, covertly of course, for an agent who we had believed had fallen there. We immediately brought him home, and treated him here at our headquarters. He had been shot at point blank, but somehow managed to mostly dodge the bullet. It grazed the side of his head, and he required fourteen stitches, but was able to get to a phone to send us his message. Additionally, he received a concussion from his fall onto pavement, causing him to lose his recent memory. Aside from that, he was okay and has been resting in a room just down the hall.”

Merlin took one last breath before delivering the final installment of his story. “Eggsy, Galahad- Rather, Harry is alive.”

Eggsy, who had only become more and more tense since the name Kentucky had fallen out of Merlin’s mouth, sat back when Merlin finally uttered that phrase. He had been waiting to hear it for days since V-day was over, but now that someone was finally, finally telling him exactly what he wanted to hear...he couldn’t believe it. His eyes went blank, he face calming considerably, before he opened his mouth to respond.

“Merlin...Harry Hart is dead.”


	2. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I got this chapter up yay!

Merlin stared at Eggsy, and Eggsy stared back. The subs eyes and his entire expression were resigned and uncaring. Merlin had never before hated Harry Hart as he did in that moment. 

Harry Hart had certainly made the independent decision to keep his survival a secret, and Merlin respected it. He had stood in front of Eggsy, a tired, grieving man, and told him that his mentor, his sole role model, was dead; he repeated it over and over again for days. Every time Eggsy had pleaded with him, to tell him that Harry was not dead, he had lied to his face. Maybe he hated himself a little too, in that moment. 

Now the poor boy had been so thoroughly convinced that Harry was dead that there was nothing Merlin could say to change his mind. He was just sat there, staring blankly ahead, believing the same thing that had been told to him countless times over the past few weeks, by Merlin, by the nurses, and by the therapists. 

Harry Hart was dead, and Eggsy Unwin was alive. This unfairness was the only truth that Eggsy had faith in at the moment, when the world he knew was in shambles. He had watched the man die in his own office, and cried himself to sleep for the next week, as every person he trusted in the Kingsman organization told him Harry was dead. Eggsy knew Harry Hart was dead. 

Eggsy knew Harry Hart was dead, because Merlin and Roxy wouldn’t lie to him; because Harry wouldn’t let him think he was dead for an entire week. Harry Hart was his mentor; his savior; his perfect gentleman crush. Harry Hart wouldn’t force him to mourn for a week. Harry Hart could not be alive.

Valentine had shot him in the head, right? It was a standard kill shot. A bullet to the head and Harry Hart ceased to exist in this universe, in Eggsy’s universe. 

But if any bastard was going to survive that scene outside of the church, it would be Harry Hart. He was a Kingsman agent after all; Harry had the training and experience to somehow dodge that bullet coming straight for his forehead. And afterward, to send a coded message that took a full day to break down even with a head injury spoke to Harry’s exact skill level. But why would he decide to stay dead? Just, why?

“Why?” Eggsy asked quietly, tearing his eyes from Merlin’s concerned gaze and refusing to look back up from his feet. He heard his handler inhale sharply before he barreled on, “Why would you lie to me?”

“Eggsy…. I never wanted to lie to you. I was under strict orders. You- you have to understand, I couldn’t tell-”

“Couldn’t?” Eggsy burst out, sarcastically. “You couldn’t, huh? Strict orders, right? Yeah, well, I wonder who from. Have they appointed a new Arthur, then? Cause last I checked, you had no superiors to take orders from. So I really wanna’ know, Merlin, why you didn’t tell me. ‘Cause if it were me, I wouldn’t ‘ave taken orders from nobody to not tell you.”

His chest heaved, as he ranted on. Betrayal burned through his blood, bringing hot tears to eyes as he fought to keep his body in check. He look up to ceiling, struggling not to blink and let the salty water building up in his eyes escape down his face. He was just so, so angry. 

“They were orders from Harry, Eggsy. He was the one who wanted me to keep his life a secret. Who was I to tell Harry what to do regarding his own death?” Merlin yelled back, standing up from his chair, desperate to make Eggsy understand his own situation. 

Eggsy reeled back, his eyes wide and shiny. “It was Harry?” He asked, voice soft and disbelieving. “Harry wanted me to believe he was dead.”

Merlin closed his, breathing out slowly, willing himself to relax. Yelling wouldn’t fix anything at the moment. The sub in front of him had just had his trust in the only Dom he had accepted in over a decade broken. It couldn’t help that just after allowing Merlin to help him sleep, the older agent had immediately revealed the lies that he had been spewing for weeks. Eggsy was feeling alone right now, like there was no one he could trust. Merlin had to try his best to fix that.

“Eggsy, his choice had nothing to do with you. He made his decision based on tactical advantage. With the world as destroyed as it is, having a hidden weapon like an agent believed to be dead is extremely advantageous for us as an agency.” He said, reaching to place a comforting hand on the sub’s shoulder, forcing himself not to react when the boy flinched away from his touch and he had to drop his arm down to his side. 

“And you have to consider, Eggsy, that he had head trauma.” Merlin said, knowing this next bit would be particularly trying for the boy, but refusing to lie to him anymore. “He barely remembered breaking you out of jail, never mind the bond you two created after he submitted you as his candidate.”

Eggsy’s face went cold and stiff, his mouth flattening as he stared straight ahead at the wall with cold, inexpressive eyes. The bond between him and Harry was gone, then. Harry Hart, his mentor, his savior, and his crush, had lost his memory of him. They weren’t close anymore; they were practically strangers. To Harry, Eggsy was just some street kid that he had sprung from jail because he owed his family a favor. 

Eggsy had been waiting a week to hear that Harry Hart was alive, but now that he finally had, he almost wished that Harry were dead. Except he couldn’t, because he could never wish that Harry Hart were dead. Harry Hart was too perfect, too amazing, for Eggsy to wish him dead. But now, he had to mourn the loss of their bond and their friendship, rather than the death of his mentor. Either way, everything he shared with Harry was lost.

He was really and truly alone here at Kingsman medical. He hadn’t seen his family or his dog in over a week, his friends at Kingsman had lied to him, and Harry Hart, the most important person in his life, could not remember him. What was he doing here? Clearly, there was no reason for him to stay any longer.

“I want to go home.”

Merlin, who had been staring at the palms of his hands, snapped his gaze back to Eggsy, focusing on the sub. His face portrayed nothing except emotionless determination. For the first time since Harry had broken out, Merlin began to doubt his ability to fix this mess.

“Eggsy, you can’t go home now. Things are just starting to make themselves right. He’s remembered you! That’s why he tried to get in here earlier.” Merlin exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

And suddenly, he wasn’t the only one. For the first time in two days, Eggsy was on his feet, standing across from Merlin, flailing his arms around as he struggled to express his anger in words. He whirled around, grasping at air, as if he could somehow grasp something solid and use it to anchor himself. As if somehow, it would help him to express how angry he was. 

“If he was outside,” He exploded, “Why didn’t you let him in, then? If he wanted to see me, why did you keep him away from me? Why, Merlin?”

“Because he was volatile, unpredictable.” Merlin yelled, beginning to pace in a line from one wall to the other. “We didn’t know how much he remembered, or how he would react. It was dangerous! So I had Lancelot come to-”

“Lancelot! Roxy! You had her come down ‘ere and keep ‘im from me. The both of you, you betrayed me. ‘Arry wouldn’t have hurt me. He wanted to see me, and you kept ‘im away.” Eggsy roared, furious that Harry and him had been kept apart, that their reunion was stalled by the only Dom Eggsy could have seen himself trusting after Harry was gone. 

“He had just gotten his memory back- all at once, do you understand? He had no time to process everything before he came running here. Did you want him to come in here and drop you to your knees in a second? To Dom you without any negotiation or warning? Is that what you wanted, Eggsy?” Merlin yelled, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“‘Arry wouldn’t ‘ave done that to me. Not ‘Arry.” Eggsy said, stopping his wild gesticulation, and wrapping his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together.

“That is exactly what would have happened! Even if he hadn’t meant to, your body is so close to dropping further that just his presence would have put you too far under.” Merlin said, trying to force some understand into the boy’s head.

“I-I....” Eggsy stopped, speechless before he grabbed the lamp from his bedside table and launched it towards his handler. “Fuck you!”

Luckily for Merlin, the lamp didn’t reach him, pulled back by the cord that attached it to the wall. It was yanked back onto the bed, before it rolled off and shattered on the ground near Eggsy’s feet. Eggsy didn’t react to the sound, his chest still heaving as he glared at the senior Kingsman agent. Merlin, for his part, sprung into action. 

“Shit, Eggsy, don’t move! I’ll grab a broom, and we can sweep this up. Just watch your feet, yeah?” He said, moving towards the door of the infirmary room with the intention of fetching a broom and dust bin. Before he could leave, though, Eggsy’s hollow voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Just send me home.”

Merlin deflated, hearing the words he had feared for the past week. He had no way, no legitimate reason, to keep Eggsy here at Kingsman if he really and truly put up a fight. Technically, the boy had never become an agent, although Merlin was sure he would be offered a position when he recovered. Still, the public healthcare system could never offer him what Kingsman labs could. And Merlin would try his best to make sure Eggsy always had access to the best. 

"You can't go home, Eggsy." He said gently, although he knew it wasn't true. "You haven't been cleared by our doctors. You're too delicate right now, too fragile." 

"Then why are you keeping me 'ere? Surely I'm too delicate, too fragile, to be of any use." Eggsy spat out bitterly, sick and tired of the way he perceived the Kingsman agents treated submissives. He was no weaker and no more delicate than any other agent simply because of his orientation.

Merlin sighed; he could practically feel his blood pressure going up. Eggsy was going to give him his first heart attack if he wasn’t careful. But rather than letting his frustration with the sub get the best of him- because, really, Eggsy had every reason to be upset- Merlin instead tried to assuage him, “You know you’re an asset to the agency. But quite frankly, you’ve had an awful, horrible, no good week. Your needing to stay in here because you are experiencing a perfectly drop in no way reflects on your caliber as an agent.”

Eggsy was silent for a minute, trying to slow the blood running through his veins so that he could think about this rationally. Finally, after minutes of deep breathing, he said, “I just don’t want to be here anymore, Merlin. I dont want to be an agent anymore if I can’t trust any of the people I work with, especially not you or Harry or Roxy. Send me home, please.”

“Eggsy...please….” Merlin whispered, looking Eggsy in the eyes, hoping to see some shred of hope or uncertainty that he could grasp onto, so that he could make him stay. But there was nothing; the younger man’s eyes remained calm, his expression collected. He has made his choice.

“Send. Me. Home.”

“I can’t keep you here against your will, but I really do wish you’d reconsider.” Merlin begged, yet he knew inside that there was nothing he could do to change Eggsy’s mind. The sub was going home.

***

Home was strange for Eggsy. Although he’d only been gone for a little over a week, everything seemed different somehow. Not different like Dean’s absence or the hole in the bathroom door which made him shudder every time he glanced at it, but different. Different like he was seeing it all in a new way. Coming home since saving the world just felt like everything had changed; like he had changed; and like his family had changed.

He hadn’t seen his mum or Daisy since before V-day all went down. He hadn’t even seen his dog, JB, although everyone had assured him that he was safe home with his baby sister. But he certainly was upset to hear that his mum had only received one, only one, phone call, to say he was safe. Nothing about his condition (which really he supposed he should be grateful for- who knows what she would do if she found out Harry’s death had put him under for so long), and no phone calls to tell her that she could collect on a handsome commission as a sign of gratitude from the Kingsman agency.

Michelle Unwin was understandably frantic when her son was finally home, safe in her arms. She wasn’t there when he came home, out for a walk with Daisy, but the second she came in the door and saw him slumped at the pathetic kitchen table, she raced over to him in a heartbeat, gathering him close.

“Oh, Eggsy, my boy, where ‘ave ya been?” She asked, placing kisses along his hairline, squeezing him tighter every time she adjusted her grip. He just smiled into her shoulder as she tried to crush his ribs with the strength of her embrace, letting himself bask in the familiarity of being hugged by his mother until Daisy began to cry in her stroller, struggling to escape the safety straps and see her “Eggy.”

He immediately untangled himself from his mum, heading straight for the stroller. “Oh, there you are, my sweet girl.” He said as he unbuckled his little sister and took her into his arms. She perked up immediately, giggling as she pulled on his shirt collar and “kissed” his shoulder, rubbing her saliva everywhere.

Eggsy only grinned and rubbed her hair as he turned to his mother, who had put the kettle on to boil and sat at the table, staring at him expectantly.

“Hi, mum.” He said, sitting down across the table from her and waiting for the interrogation to begin. Instead, she crossed the kitchen floor and kneeled in front of him, taking his face into her hands.

“My word, Eggsy, you look so tired, love.” She said, drawing her thumbs across the purple bags under his eyes. He batted her arms away weakly, but she persisted in her examination of him. She ran her hands through his lifeless hair a few times, before she moved her hands further down, behind his ears and finally, to caress his neck, pushing Daisy away from his shoulder, although the small girl simply latched onto his arms with her mouth instead.

Eggsy, even though Michelle Unwin was a sub and he knew she would never, ever, try to Dom her son, whined at her touch, ducking his head down to lightly bang his forehead with Daisy’s. She gasped, pulling her hand away instantly, and clutching it to her chest. 

“You ‘ave got to be kidding me? They put you on the edge like this. They let you go in this state!” Michelle screeched, fire burning in her blue eyes.

“Mum,” Eggsy said, shushing Daisy when she startled at the power behind Michelle’s words, “It wasn’t like that, really; I wanted to come ‘ome to you an’ Daisy.”

Michelle scoffed, flipping her blond hair before she stood and placed her hands on Eggsy’s shoulders meaningfully, staring intensely into his eyes. Daisy shifted between them, uncomfortable with the tension floating between the two.

“Listen to me, Eggsy, it isn’t right, ever, for anyone to keep you down like this. Alright? And if I ever get my hands on those men you “work” with, I’ll skin ‘em alive for this, yeah?” She said, never breaking her gaze on him. 

“Yeah, mum, I got-” He was cut off by the tea kettle screaming and Daisy’s subsequent wail, her reaction to the sudden, loud noise. “Oh, no, no, shh....” Eggsy calmed her, rocking her back and forth in his arms.

Michelle softened, watching her son take care of her daughter, so lovingly, as she took the kettle off the burner and poured the water into teacups. She was glad he was home, not only for his safety, but also for his sister. Everyone told her that Daisy was young and she would forget, but Michelle saw how her baby girl didn’t trust her so unconditionally as before. She remembered, for now at least, her mother trying to break down the bathroom door to get to her, to kill her. She could never forgive herself, but she still trusted Eggsy.

He held his baby sister like she was the key to happiness, and perhaps for him, she was. As she prepared the tea just the way she knew Eggsy liked it, she thanked the world for giving her a son just as amazing, loyal, and compassionate as Lee was. Eggsy was so strong for their family, even without a true, registered Dominant to look after them. 

“ ‘ere we are.” She said, putting the drinks down on the table, before pulling a chair out for herself. “Now, you want to tell me what you’ve got yourself into this time?”

Eggsy’s neck snapped up, his eyes wide and disbelieving. He regarded her carefully across the table, pushing the spoon around in his tea as he fought to find the words to tell her what he wanted to. He knew he couldn’t tell her the truth, but he didn’t want to lie to her,and so he just sat there staring at her with a gaping jaw.

“Come now, Eggsy. Did you really think I couldn’t tell you’d gone and gotten yourself into another mess? You take after me, y’know; we don’t drop easily. Whatever you did, it must’ve been bad.” Michelle said, sitting back with her tea, sipping it lazily.

“It’s a bit different this time, mum. I got in with the right crowd this time, y’know. I already told ya that.” He said, clutching Daisy to his chest like a teddy bear. Luckily, she didn’t mind the extra love from her brother. “I just got a bit too attached is all, and when V-day came ‘round, I took it hard. It was a lot of death...A lot for me to take, y’know? They tried to help me after- they’re good people- but I just couldn’t. I wanted to come ‘ome to me family.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here, love, but I’m a bit worried. Two subs and and our little undeclared girl here- well, we’re gonna struggle a bit. I’m not sure ‘ow we’re gonna’ do this.”

“You don’t ‘ave to worry ‘bout the money, mum. I can take care of everything we need ‘ere, starting with the bathroom door.” He gave a small laugh, trying to lighten the somber mood of their family reunion.

Michelle cracked a smile, but her face remained tight and worried. “It’s not the money I’m worried about, although that’ll be tough too, it’s the structure and stability. We don’t got any Doms here, and you’re gonna’ be dropping soon without one.”

“Mum...I can pull outta’ this on my own, ‘kay?” He said, forcing a wide grin onto his tired face. 

“Alright, I’ll take your word for it right now. You’re exhausted, love. Why don’t you put Daisy down for her nap and join her for one yourself. I’ll clean up here and we’ll talk after, yeah?” She said, getting up and carrying their cups to the sink.

“Mum…” Eggsy pouted, finally beginning to sound a bit like the son she remembered having, not the tired man she saw in front of her now.

She smiled at him, easily falling back into her role of mother, “I don’t want to hear a word about it, young man. To bed!” She ordered gently, watching as he strolled lazily to her bedroom. 

***

When Eggsy woke up, he was in his mum’s room still, but Daisy was no longer curled up by his side. He blinked his eyes slowly, trying to rid himself of his tried blurry vision. Groaning, he stretched his arms out, rolled onto his stomach, and groped for his cell phone. He found it buried in the comforter, which he had managed to tangle around his legs sometime during his extra long nap. 

He pulled the screen to rest next to him on the pillow, pressing the power button and squinting his eyes against the harsh brightness of the screen in the dimly light room. It had only been an hour. He had barely slept longer than Daisy. Gosh, he just wished he could sleep; it had been ages since he had managed a full night’s rest. Even with Merlin he had only gotten three hours rest before the whole incident with Harry went down. He was so tired he almost felt dead.

Still, it was no use trying to go back to sleep now. Even if he laid here with his eyes closed, his mind would just plague him with the same thoughts over and over again, although different to the mantra he had been repeating the week prior. Because Harry Hart was alive. Harry Hart was alive and Eggsy could not comprehend the consequences of this revelation. 

There were just too many things to consider, and his tired mind could barely handle the thought of picking out a different outfit every morning. It’s just that he didn’t understand. Why would anyone want to remain dead? Didn’t Harry care that there would be people to mourn his death? Or maybe he didn’t care, considering the people closest to him, like Merlin and Roxy, knew he was alive. 

Clearly how Eggsy would feel never really crossed his mind, what with how he didn’t remember him. And that’s what really got to Eggsy: He was head over heels in love with some man, completely and utterly devoted to this man, who didn’t remember him at all. Where did that leave him?

He was pathetic. He had spent a week under, because of this man’s death. Hell, he was still teetering on the edge, barely staying upright, even after he knew the truth. And now, he didn’t even matter to this man. He meant nothing to him, without the past few weeks memories.

Except, Merlin had said Harry remembered now: that he was trying to get to him. But that didn’t tell him where they stood. Harry probably still thought of him as a mentee, or a friend-maybe he even considered him a responsibility because of what happened to his father. He definitely wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings Eggsy couldn’t help but admit he harbored for the other man. 

And those feelings complicated the whole situation even more. He desperately wanted to see Harry, so he could check with his own eyes and his own hands that the man was whole and alive. But he knew he shouldn’t, because seeing him would only leave Eggsy stuck on these feelings for longer, and he needed to get over this crush. He needed to accept that him and Harry would never become a thing the way he wanted them to, and move on. And if he was going to move on, he couldn’t see Harry.

With that conviction in mind, he rolled out of bed to spend the afternoon with his family, before going out to find a job. He stood, smoothing the wrinkles out of his Adidas pants the best he could after lying on top of them for an hour. He was going to change his clothes, before he decided that he didn’t care what he looked like right then. It’s not like he was going to be going anywhere except to his couch for the next few hours. 

Just as he was reaching down to lace his shoes back up, he heard the someone knock on there door. Figuring it was just one of his mum’s girlfriends, he ignored, continuing to tie his shoes, until he heard his mum gasp. He was instantly alert, although he didn’t need to be, considering how loudly the sound of flesh hitting flesh resonated through the thin walls of the flat. 

He raced out to the hall, stopping just before the entrance to the main area and pressing himself against the wall, listening to assess the situation before running straight into danger. It was rather funny, considering the fact that he normally had no self-preservation instincts, never mind when he was down and under. 

He hear his mum angrily ask the stranger at the door, “What are you doing here?” The venom in her voice shocked him, and he realized rather happily that she had been the one to slap their visitor.

“Thata’ girl.” He said, happy his mother was using her backbone for once.

He couldn’t hear the strangers reply, but he could practically feel Michelle’s anger floating through the air. He could almost see her bristling at whatever the reply was.

“You are not coming in here! You have no right to be here and you are certainly not going to see him. Just leave him be.” She hissed venomously. 

Now that was odd; who would be here to see him? Had Merlin come to check up on him? Seriously, it had only been a matter of hours since he had left. Maybe it was Roxy, but he doubted she would show up when she knew she wasn’t wanted. He could hear the murmuring from outside the door grow slightly louder, as whoever was out there grew agitated, and he readied himself to go to his mum’s rescue. 

But her reply made him stop in his tracks. “Why would you ever think you were welcome here? After you came here to tell me my Lee was dead, you’ve gotten my son into the same mess! I can’t believe you’ve bothered to show your face here at all?”

He had- There was no way. There was no way he had come here for Eggsy. He leaned back against the ratty wall of the hallway, breathing harshly. This didn’t make sense. None of this made sense. Panic settled into his bones, and he reached to brace himself on his knees. The world was blurring around him, the dank walls coming into and out of focus in front of him.

Suddenly, something was pulling at his pant leg, and a quick look down revealed it was Daisy, looking up at him inquiringly. Forcing himself to take deeper breaths, he slid down the wall slowly so that he could pull her into his lap. Cuddling her gently, he held a finger to his lips, resting his head on the wall so he could continue listening. He had faith in his mother’s ability to handle this, but Merlin said that Harry was unpredictable. And some small part of him was desperate to hear his voice, if only just a little bit. 

The altercation at the door seemed to have taken a turn for the worse, Michelle’s voice growing louder, shriller, and more enraged, and Harry’s voice getting slightly more audible.

“Don’t you dare try to Dom me, Mr. Hart. I haven’t had no real Dom here with me for quite some years now; I won’t give into you just ‘cause you put a little force behind your words.”

 

“I need to see him, Mrs. Unwin!” He insisted, and Eggsy could practically see him talking through gritted teeth. “I need to make it right!”

Sorry, what had he just said? Harry wanted to make it right. He wanted to make things right with Eggsy. Harry was here for Eggsy; to fix things with Eggsy. And once again, Eggsy was having trouble breathing. Gently pushing Daisy onto the cool floor beside him, ignoring the way she grabbed for him unhappily, he tried to get his legs back under him.

Standing on shaky legs, he used the doorway to push himself into the next room, practically falling forward. And there, mere meters in front of him, was Harry Hart, in all his Kingsman glory. He looked a little worse for the wear, his hair cut short and shaven on the side where he’d been shot, but overall, alive and well, and just as powerful as ever.

Suddenly, he found himself dropping to the ground, his bony knees cracking harshly against the tile floors, but he barely felt it. He bowed his head to the floor, instantly submitting to Harry. He knew he was angry and upset, but he was so relieved that the Dom had come for him that he didn’t care. He just wanted to be dominated by him.

When no one moved- When Harry didn’t immediately come to stand above him, Eggsy found himself hesitant, scared that he had made the wrong move. Hesitantly, he forced out, “...Harry?”

Then suddenly, Harry was there, standing above him, running his hand through his hair, murmuring, “Eggsy. Oh Eggsy, my dear boy.”

And all at once, everything felt right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay, this part got waaaay too long, so I split it in two.
> 
> I know most of you are probably waiting for Harry and Eggsy to make up, and I promise you that scene will be out tomorrow. This part just got away from me a bit, and ended up going on for quite a bit. I didn't want to shorten it too much, because I felt like that would cheapen the story line and everything Eggsy's struggling with.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Again, if you see any errors, please let me know!
> 
> All comments welcome :)
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: The third part will not be out today because I boss at avoiding responsibility. It should definitely be out by tomorrow; I just forgot about a work commitment I made tonight, when I had previously planned on banging out the last few pages, and I am so, so sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is has not been edited by anyone other than my exhausted self at 2 am. If you see any errors, please let me know.
> 
> Also, if this chapter seemed a bit "he said/he said," then I sincerely apologize. I have a tendency to fall into that rut. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. 
> 
> All comments and constructive criticism welcome; please let me know what you think.


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